Releasing Rachel

With Mother's Day upon us in a few days, I thought I'd post an article close to my heart that revolves around my oldest daughter's adventure as a single missionary gal and my journey to let go.

(This article first appeared in Discipleship Journal/Nov.-Dec.2004 issue, and later adapted for Psychology for Living/June 2006).

My daughter Rachel, a missionary to India, was addressing a conference luncheon. As she spoke, my mind drifted to earlier days and the ways God had prepared her for this moment. Rachel hadn’t been the only one with lessons to learn from God. I, too, was in God’s school of preparation. And one of the hardest courses was learning to relinquish my single daughter to God’s service on the other side of the world. Through the lives of biblical women who had released their children to fulfill His divine plan, God taught me to release Rachel into His arms.

HANNAH’S SURRENDER TO GOD’S WILL

My first mentor was Hannah. Barren Hannah promised to give her child to God if He would enable her to conceive (1 Samuel 1). God provided Samuel, and Hannah kept her promise. When Samuel was weaned, she took him to the temple to live with the priest Eli. Samuel grew to be a godly judge over Israel, fulfilling God’s mission for his life.

I remember dreaming of the day I would be a mother. My husband, Chuck, and I prayed for children, and God answered by sending Rachel. We committed Rachel to the Lord before her birth, praying she would know Jesus as her Savior and Lord—and that He would use her for His kingdom’s glory. How naive I had been. Yes, my highest aspiration was to see Rachel walk with God. But when she chose a missionary’s life in India, I became nervous. I had imagined her meeting a nice young Christian man and settling down in local ministry. Yet, Hannah reminded me there is no surrender apart from full surrender. God takes our prayers and commitments seriously. He means us no harm, only good all the days of our lives as we walk in His will (Psalm 84:11). The highest good is to be conformed to the image of His Son (Ro. 8:28-29). This, I realized, was not only Rachel’s calling, but my own.

SARAH’S TRUST IN GOD’S PROVISION

During my years of adjustment, Sarah’s life reminded me that God would supply all of Rachel’s needs—and mine. This encouragement grew out of one of the most dramatic stories in Scripture. God commanded Abraham to offer Isaac, his and Sarah’s long-awaited son, as a sacrifice on Mt. Moriah (Genesis 22). I imagined Sarah kissing Abraham and Isaac goodbye that fateful morning. Perhaps not fully knowing what God had instructed Abraham, she trusted her mate to care for the beloved son of their old age, the son God would bless and whose offspring would be as plentiful as the stars in the heavens (Gen. 15:5). No harm could ever befall him, for God had promised. And God did provide! At the moment Abraham lifted the knife to strike his son, “the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, ‘Abraham, Abraham!’ . . . ‘Do not lay a hand on the boy.’ . . . ‘Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son’” (Gen. 22:11-12). In the thicket was a ram God had placed there to be the sacrifice.

After Rachel completed candidate school, she went on field assignment with a native missionary couple serving in a remote Indian village. During that time I would awaken around four every morning thinking, What will she do for electricity? How will we contact one another? What about medical care? What if she is bitten by a snake and not enough antivenin is available? What about loneliness and depression? The “what ifs” continued until I relinquished my thoughts to God and allowed Him to bring peace. He reminded me: “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever—do not abandon the works of your hands” (Ps. 138:8). I slept soundly from then on.

MARY’S CONFIDENCE IN GOD’S LOVE

I also needed to learn that Rachel does not belong to me: She belongs to God, and He loves her more than I ever could. Tears would come when I least expected them, but I guarded my emotions around Rachel because I didn’t want to upset her. God tested my surrender to His will on several occasions. Rarely could I walk into a room of women without one of them asking, “How can you let Rachel go to India? The world is more dangerous now than ever! Aren’t you concerned for her safety? What if something happens to her?” 

I would clear my throat and calmly give this trained reply: “Rachel doesn’t belong to me. She belongs to God. If it were up to me, I probably wouldn’t let her

go. I ache because she will never stop being my little girl. But she is grown now, and I must let her go. Her purpose in life is not up to me. Her Father has called her, and He knows best. He can care for her far better than I can with my finite abilities.”

To further assure my heart, God gave me a dream one night. My little red-headed toddler was running across the lawn straight for the busy road. Cars were zooming this way and that. I ran after her, arms stretched out, reaching, grabbing desperately, but as is often the case in a dream, I could never quite get to her. At last, she plunged into the street. I knew for sure my precious baby would be killed. However, when the traffic cleared, I saw a lovely Indian woman clad in colorful sari on the other side of the road stooping and holding my little Rachel. She was safe. And my heart was comforted.  

Yes, God had loaned her to me for a time to love, train, and help prepare for His work, but she was never mine to control. Rachel belongs to God. Her purpose is to fulfill His mission for her. Jesus’ mother gave me a gentle reminder to let go. Mary testified in Luke 1 of God’s glorious purpose in sending Jesus to be conceived and reared by her.

 

With God’s help, Mary persisted in a lifetime of letting go, which ultimately led to the most painful release of all—the cross. Although Mary did not understand God’s ways, she was able to release Jesus into the safekeeping of His heavenly Father because she knew His love for Jesus was greater than her own. Through Jesus’ agony, God brought about good. Mary witnessed her Son’s resurrection, and later she joined Him in glory.

We find renewed meaning in life when we encourage our children to pursue what God has called them to do. Rachel’s commissioning service brought this truth home to me. As her father and I watched our daughter approach the platform and calmly testify before her sending church and mission family, our tears flowed freely. Rachel knelt and veteran missionaries, her pastor, and deacons surrounded her, laying hands on her and offering her up to her Father in prayer. After the service a woman hugged me and said, “It’s hard when your kids leave you!”

“It’s bittersweet,” I replied, wiping my eyes. “We trained Rachel to answer God’s call, no matter what that might mean, but nothing could have prepared us for the pain we would endure in actually letting her go. Certainly, knowing that she has a wonderful mission family to love her and watch out for her helps settle my mind and heart.”

“Yes, we will look out for her. And remember, in heaven, it will only be sweet.” 

True, I thought, no sad good-byes. No letting go. All will be sweet.  

That evening, I learned that God’s plan for Rachel was bigger than me, bigger than her. Resting in His loving plan is the best and safest place she could be. 

That commissioning service was eight years ago. As God would have it, there have been many Indian "mamas" over the last few years who have taken Rachel under their wings. In addition, the Lord provided my girl with a godly husband only two months after arriving in India. Nathan, a third generation missionary kid who had returned to the States, sensed God leading him back to India to serve. While there he met Rachel and they were married in June, 2005. Their love story inspired Book One, JOURNEY TO JUDAH, in my Born for India trilogy. Through this account, God has reaffirmed Psalm 84:11 in my heart: "The Lord God is a sun and a shield; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly."

Eileen Rife is the author of the Born for India trilogy. All three of her daughters are involved in mission work around the world. She and her husband, Chuck, conduct marriage seminars in the states and overseas.  www.eileenrife.com.

 One woman. One God. One passion. In an exotic culture of 7.5 million people and over 3 million gods, one woman resolves to make the journey. Could love await her, even in India?

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Judah-Eileen-Hinkle-Rife/dp/1602900914/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399392399&sr=8-1&keywords=journey+to+judah+by+eileen+rife 

Strategies for Loving Detachment with Your Teen

      You made it past the 2:00 a.m. feedings, the mountain of diapers, the temper tantrums, homework and Little League. Now your son or daughter is a teen and you wonder how the years could have flown by so rapidly. There were days when you thought your child would never grow up and leave home. Now that time has come and you wonder, Is my teen ready to transition out of the home?

      A healthy and natural separation occurs around the junior high years when a young person seeks increased independence outside the home. He is consumed with learning who he is in relation to others and where he fits into the world. He may appear distant and moody at times as he processes this phase of life. This "leaving" can sneak up and surprise a parent if he doesn't know what to expect. It is critical to adjust mentally and emotionally and provide opportunities for healthy detachment. Let your teen test the waters through exposure to outside classes, career counseling, volunteer work, mission trips, and church youth groups to determine where his gifts, talents, and interests can best be utilized. Use Proverbs as a study guide to encourage godly friendships and discuss spiritual character qualities often around the dinner table, in the car, or in the evenings when everyone is finally back home and settled for the evening. Even more importantly, let your life exhibit these qualities. Your teen will read you like a book, absorbing lessons as he observes your response to life’s situations. As has often been said, “Actions speak louder than words.” Paul says it best in Philippians 4:9: “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” Be the kind of parent who is not afraid to teach with his life!

      You separate from your teen physically after high school, but you do not separate spiritually. Now is the time to pray for your child more than ever. Prayer is the best gift you can offer. Hopefully, you have been praying for him and with him all during his life. The teen may leave, but he can not escape your prayers. The Father is watching and your teen is in His arms.

       Our girls are now 33, 30, and 26, married with families of their own. Here are some suggestions we found helpful in lovingly detaching from our young adult children while helping them transition out of the home.

         Be aware that transition times are the hardest. Helping your young person move to complete independence requires thinking through the practical affairs of living. Sit down together with your teen and talk about goals. Write any thoughts down on paper. Will your child get a job or go to college? If he chooses college, will he work to pay his way or will you offer financial assistance? Will he purchase a car? When? Each child and each situation is different, so it is important to sit down together and map out a strategy in keeping with the child's goals and available resources. Carol Kuykendall has written an excellent book published by Tyndale House titled, Give Them Wings, on preparing your teen to leave home. She shows parents how to help their teens set goals for themselves, manage finances, maintain a car, do laundry, as well as other life skills necessary for living on one’s own. A church friend loaned the book to me during my daughter’s senior year of high school. I found the advice timely, practical, and comforting. I highly recommend it to you for additional help in this time of transition.

       When your teen is "under his own roof" financially, then he can make his own decisions. As long as you are footing the bill for college or any other venture, your teen is accountable to you and has not fully left. Finance leads to freedom which leads to independence. We encouraged each of our girls to seek part time employment during  high school in order to assist with college. While they were not financially independent from mom and dad, they developed a healthy appreciation for what it takes to live on one’s own. They set up savings and checking accounts and learned how to manage both. They helped with the family car expenses, such as gas, repairs, and insurance. They understood that as long as mom and dad were paying for college or gap year experiences, they needed to consult with us about their plans. Thankfully, we have been able to add our blessing to our girls’ dreams, and therefore have not had difficulty providing financial backing on that score. If, in your case, you do find it difficult to mentally or spiritually support your child’s aspirations, and after prayer, counsel, and communication with your teen, discover he still feels inclined to follow his dream, then you will need to release that child to fund himself.

       Set boundaries before your teen leaves home. Establish some plan for phone calls, emails, or letters. If your child has left the home financially independent, then he is no longer a child. He has moved from Ephesians 6:1--"Children, obey your parents in the Lord" to Ephesians 6:2--"Honor your father and mother." If he has been taught from the cradle to respect your authority in a way that has been loving and also respectful to him, then most likely he will continue to honor you through his actions and words. To do so shows true maturity on his part. Don't overload your grown child with advice. During these transition years, it may seem as if he needs you one minute and casts you aside the next. Be patient as he moves toward full independence. Allow him to learn what you had to learn by experiencing life. And by all means, keep praying!

 Words You Can Leave With Your Teen

         In writing this article, I asked my counselor husband, Chuck, what he would say to a young person leaving home for the first time. He jokingly said, "I'd say the same thing I'd say to you when you go to the beauty shop: 'Good luck to ya!'" On a more serious note, here are some things he shared. 

          It's okay to grieve your loss of childhood. Crying is not a sign of weakness or dependence. Don't try to be strong for mom and dad. Share your feelings. Once shared, they don't seem like the monster you thought they were. In dealing with our own grief at letting the girls go, Chuck and I discovered that hiding our tears only served to hinder open and honest communication. Letting go of the tears when needed made us realize the emotions were not as uncontrollable as we had feared, while letting our teen know that it is okay to grieve the transitions. Change is just a healthy part of life that needs to be addressed. When we expressed our emotion with our girls, they seemed relieved. Tension lifted, freeing them to reciprocate with shared emotion.

         Furthermore, even though you are grown and leaving home, you are still loved and covered by mom and dad’s prayers. You can never go beyond the reach of your parents’ prayers on your behalf. Mom and Dad will be here for you when you need them. 

          Remember whose you are. God made you and you are accountable to Him. When no one else is watching, God is. If you have received Christ as your Saviour and Lord, you have been purchased by the precious blood of Jesus. You belong to Him. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body" (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

            Remember the godly teaching passed down to you by your parents and church leaders. Proverbs 6:20-22 says, "My son, keep your father’s commands and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. Bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. When you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you." At each graduation, we left our girls with 3 John 1:4: "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." In this way, we pictured a bright, victorious spiritual future for each of our girls.

            A helpful resource as you prepare for this transition is the book by Helen Neinast and Thomas Ettinger titled, What About God? Now That You’re Off to College. Published by the Upper Room, this book provides daily devotionals which prepare teens for college with spiritual writings, daily readings, prayers, and ideas for journaling.

          Make it a lifetime goal to build an intimate relationship with God. As you do, He will direct your steps. My second daughter, Michelle, and I sat on the beach soaking up the sun and watching the waves lap the shore. At one point, she turned to me and said, "Do you ever feel stuck?" I replied, "Yes, there have been times in my life when I have felt that way."  Moving into her senior year, she was concerned that she had no clear direction from God for her future beyond high school. I assured her that God would lead one step at a time as she read His Word and talked to Him about every aspect of her life. Michelle was still uncertain about the next step to take after a year at our local community college, so we asked her to write down what she did know right then. She responded that she learned from a secular college setting that she needed to know how to defend her faith better. She had witnessed to several students and sometimes felt stumped by their questions. She had encountered professors with opinions contrary to the Bible. We asked her what step she could take to accomplish that goal. A year of Bible college seemed a logical next step in her thinking. Although difficult to leave home, Michelle took the step she believed God wanted her to take. That was several years ago. At this writing, Michelle is a graduate with a B.S. in counseling, a wife, mommy, and TeenMops Leader with Straight Street, a Christian inner city organization where both she and her husband serve fulltime. God only requires that we act on the knowledge He gives. Then He will reveal the next step in the plan. 

         Choose godly friends that will steer you in the right direction. This may be one of the most crucial tips I can offer. Friendships can either make you or break you. Since you no longer have the permanent support system of home, it is vital to establish a godly network away from home. The first year at college can be overwhelming as you adjust to a new room, new food, a roommate, college studies, a different routine, and possible job and car care. You need the stability that Christian friends can provide. You need at least two or three people who will direct you to the Bible for answers, who will listen and pray with you, and even cry with you when you need them to. Equally important is plugging into a Bible-believing church where you can continue to mature in your faith. Many campuses offer Christian organizations such as Campus Crusade and Inter-Varsity Fellowship designed to develop disciples and connect students with other believers. 

         Transitioning out of the home is difficult for both parent and teen. It requires change. Change requires loss. There are two sides to the coin. You must lose in order to gain. No one likes to think about growth and maturity having negative aspects, but in order to grow, you must grow up and away from where you currently are. Loving detachment is exciting for parent and child as you both grow in God's unique purpose for your lives. 

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B003O405FO 

Strategies for Loving Detachment

You made it past the 2:00 a.m. feedings, the mountain of diapers, the temper tantrums, homework and Little League. Now your son or daughter is a teen and you wonder how the years could have flown by so rapidly. There were days when you thought your child would never grow up and leave home. Now that time has come and you wonder, Is my teen ready to transition out of the home?

A healthy and natural separation occurs around the junior high years when a young person seeks increased independence outside the home. He is consumed with learning who he is in relation to others and where he fits into the world. He may appear distant and moody at times as he processes this phase of life. This "leaving" can sneak up and surprise a parent if he doesn't know what to expect. It is critical to adjust mentally and emotionally and provide opportunities for healthy detachment. Let your teen test the waters through exposure to outside classes, career counseling, volunteer work, mission trips, and church youth groups to determine where his gifts, talents, and interests can best be utilized. Use Proverbs as a study guide to encourage godly friendships and discuss spiritual character qualities often around the dinner table, in the car, or in the evenings when everyone is finally back home and settled for the evening. Even more importantly, let your life exhibit these qualities. Your teen will read you like a book, absorbing lessons as he observes your response to life’s situations. As has often been said, “Actions speak louder than words.” Paul says it best in Philippians 4:9: “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” Be the kind of parent who is not afraid to teach with his life!

You separate from your teen physically after high school, but you do not separate spiritually. Now is the time to pray for your child more than ever. Prayer is the best gift you can offer. Hopefully, you have been praying for him and with him all during his life. The teen may leave, but he can not escape your prayers. The Father is watching and your teen is in His arms.

Our girls are now 33, 30, and 26, married with families of their own. Here are some suggestions we found helpful in lovingly detaching from our young adult children while helping them transition out of the home.

Be aware that transition times are the hardest. 

Helping your young person move to complete independence requires thinking through the practical affairs of living. Sit down together with your teen and talk about goals. Write any thoughts down on paper. Will your child get a job or go to college? If he chooses college, will he work to pay his way or will you offer financial assistance? Will he purchase a car? When? Each child and each situation is different, so it is important to sit down together and map out a strategy in keeping with the child's goals and available resources. Carol Kuykendall has written an excellent book published by Tyndale House titled, Give Them Wings, on preparing your teen to leave home. She shows parents how to help their teens set goals for themselves, manage finances, maintain a car, do laundry, as well as other life skills necessary for living on one’s own. A church friend loaned the book to me during my daughter’s senior year of high school. I found the advice timely, practical, and comforting. I highly recommend it to you for additional help in this time of transition.

When your teen is "under his own roof" financially, then he can make his own decisions.

As long as you are footing the bill for college or any other venture, your teen is accountable to you and has not fully left. Finance leads to freedom which leads to independence. We encouraged each of our girls to seek part time employment during  high school in order to assist with college. While they were not financially independent from mom and dad, they developed a healthy appreciation for what it takes to live on one’s own. They set up savings and checking accounts and learned how to manage both. They helped with the family car expenses, such as gas, repairs, and insurance. They understood that as long as mom and dad were paying for college or gap year experiences, they needed to consult with us about their plans. Thankfully, we have been able to add our blessing to our girls’ dreams, and therefore have not had difficulty providing financial backing on that score. If, in your case, you do find it difficult to mentally or spiritually support your child’s aspirations, and after prayer, counsel, and communication with your teen, discover he still feels inclined to follow his dream, then you will need to release that child to fund himself.

Set boundaries before your teen leaves home. 

Establish some plan for phone calls, emails, or letters. If your child has left the home financially independent, then he is no longer a child. He has moved from Ephesians 6:1--"Children, obey your parents in the Lord" to Ephesians 6:2--"Honor your father and mother." If he has been taught from the cradle to respect your authority in a way that has been loving and also respectful to him, then most likely he will continue to honor you through his actions and words. To do so shows true maturity on his part. Don't overload your grown child with advice. During these transition years, it may seem as if he needs you one minute and casts you aside the next. Be patient as he moves toward full independence. Allow him to learn what you had to learn by experiencing life. And by all means, keep praying!

 Words You Can Leave With Your Teen

In writing this article, I asked my counselor husband, Chuck, what he would say to a young person leaving home for the first time. He jokingly said, "I'd say the same thing I'd say to you when you go to the beauty shop: 'Good luck to ya!'" On a more serious note, here are some things he shared.

It's okay to grieve your loss of childhood. 

Crying is not a sign of weakness or dependence. Don't try to be strong for mom and dad. Share your feelings. Once shared, they don't seem like the monster you thought they were. In dealing with our own grief at letting the girls go, Chuck and I discovered that hiding our tears only served to hinder open and honest communication. Letting go of the tears when needed made us realize the emotions were not as uncontrollable as we had feared, while letting our teen know that it is okay to grieve the transitions. Change is just a healthy part of life that needs to be addressed. When we expressed our emotion with our girls, they seemed relieved. Tension lifted, freeing them to reciprocate with shared emotion.

          

Furthermore, even though you are grown and leaving home, you are still loved and covered by mom and dad’s prayers. You can never go beyond the reach of your parents’ prayers on your behalf. Mom and Dad will be here for you when you need them. 

Remember whose you are. 

God made you and you are accountable to Him. When no one else is watching, God is. If you have received Christ as your Saviour and Lord, you have been purchased by the precious blood of Jesus. You belong to Him. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body" (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

            

Remember the godly teaching passed down to you by your parents and church leaders. Proverbs 6:20-22 says, "My son, keep your father’s commands and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. Bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. When you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you." At each graduation, we left our girls with 3 John 1:4: "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." In this way, we pictured a bright, victorious spiritual future for each of our girls.

             

A helpful resource as you prepare for this transition is the book by Helen Neinast and Thomas Ettinger titled, What About God? Now That You’re Off to College. Published by the Upper Room, this book provides daily devotionals which prepare teens for college with spiritual writings, daily readings, prayers, and ideas for journaling.

           

Make it a lifetime goal to build an intimate relationship with God. 

As you do, He will direct your steps. My second daughter, Michelle, and I sat on the beach soaking up the sun and watching the waves lap the shore. At one point, she turned to me and said, "Do you ever feel stuck?" I replied, "Yes, there have been times in my life when I have felt that way."  Moving into her senior year, she was concerned that she had no clear direction from God for her future beyond high school. I assured her that God would lead one step at a time as she read His Word and talked to Him about every aspect of her life. Michelle was still uncertain about the next step to take after a year at our local community college, so we asked her to write down what she did know right then. She responded that she learned from a secular college setting that she needed to know how to defend her faith better. She had witnessed to several students and sometimes felt stumped by their questions. She had encountered professors with opinions contrary to the Bible. We asked her what step she could take to accomplish that goal. A year of Bible college seemed a logical next step in her thinking. Although difficult to leave home, Michelle took the step she believed God wanted her to take. That was several years ago. At this writing, Michelle is a graduate with a B.S. in counseling, a wife, mommy, and TeenMops Leader with Straight Street, a Christian inner city organization where both she and her husband serve fulltime. God only requires that we act on the knowledge He gives. Then He will reveal the next step in the plan.

         

Choose godly friends that will steer you in the right direction.  

This may be one of the most crucial tips I can offer. Friendships can either make you or break you. Since you no longer have the permanent support system of home, it is vital to establish a godly network away from home. The first year at college can be overwhelming as you adjust to a new room, new food, a roommate, college studies, a different routine, and possible job and car care. You need the stability that Christian friends can provide. You need at least two or three people who will direct you to the Bible for answers, who will listen and pray with you, and even cry with you when you need them to. Equally important is plugging into a Bible-believing church where you can continue to mature in your faith. Many campuses offer Christian organizations such as Campus Crusade and Inter-Varsity Fellowship designed to develop disciples and connect students with other believers.  

         

Transitioning out of the home is difficult for both parent and teen. It requires change. Change requires loss. There are two sides to the coin. You must lose in order to gain. No one likes to think about growth and maturity having negative aspects, but in order to grow, you must grow up and away from where you currently are. Loving detachment is exciting for parent and child as you both grow in God's unique purpose for your lives.