Saying Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever

My husband, Chuck, and I stood on our front stoop waving to our oldest daughter as she pulled out of our driveway on her way to Tennessee. With a sly smile, Chuck uttered through clenched teeth, "She doesn't have a clue where she is going." I thought to myself--neither do we!  Rachel was concerned about finding her way to a summer camp. We were concerned about finding our way through the transition years to the empty nest. Rachel did make her ultimate destination. Sometimes I wondered if Chuck and I would.

       As Chuck held the storm door open for me, he joked, "Parenting reminds me of that line in the Jurassic Park movie, "First comes the oohing and aahing, and then comes the yelling and the screaming." One of the main characters, a scientist, who had previously been to the dinosaur reserve was explaining the typical reaction of a new comer to the park. Then when faced with an actual life-size dinosaur, reality set in. As new parents, we had experienced our share of oohs and aahs. No longer new kids on the block, we now embraced the glaring reality that parenting is just plain hard work and at times, down right scary. Some days we just wanted to scream--at our kids, at ourselves for handling a situation badly, or simply to release the pain we felt at saying goodbye to our grown children.

         As I said goodbye to Rachel that day on her way to camp, I realized anew that parenting is terminal. It does eventually come to an end, or at least it should under healthy conditions. I spent the year before Rachel's high school graduation coming to grip with that fact. Grieving her lost childhood and uncertain about my new relationship with her, I snuck behind doors to conceal my tears, scurried off to the bathroom in the middle of dinner to blow my nose, and smothered her with hugs whenever she walked past me. One day while washing dishes, I burst into tears. Rachel walked into the kitchen and I immediately opened a cabinet door to hide my face. I didn't want to make her transition from home any harder on her than it already was. I started to leave, but as I turned to walk away, Rachel looked me straight in the eyes, took me in her arms, and squeezed. That "squeeze" opened the door for a closer relationship as I no longer tried to shut her out of my pain. We could now walk through the transition together. As she was leaving the kitchen, Rachel turned and with a twinkle in her eye, said, “Oh, and by the way, saying goodbye doesn’t mean forever. I’ll be back!”

         Several reminders helped as I let Rachel go and grow into the woman God desired her to be. I pray these suggestions also help you as you release your grown child.

            Be aware that transition times are the hardest. Helping your young person move to complete independence requires thinking through the practical affairs of living. Sit down together with your teen and talk about goals. Write any thoughts down on paper. Will your child get a job or go to college? If he chooses college, will he work to pay his way or will you offer financial assistance? Will he purchase a car? When? Each child and each situation is different, so it is important to sit down together and map out a strategy in keeping with the child's goals and available resources. Carol Kuykendall has written an excellent book published by Tyndale House titled, Give Them Wings, on preparing your teen to leave home. She shows parents how to help their teens set goals for themselves, manage finances, maintain a car, do laundry, as well as other life skills necessary for living on one’s own. A church friend loaned the book to me during my daughter’s senior year of high school. I found the advice timely, practical, and comforting. I highly recommend it to you for additional help in this time of transition.

            When your teen is "under his own roof" financially, then he can make his own decisions. As long as you are footing the bill for college or any other venture, your teen is accountable to you and has not fully left. Finance leads to freedom which leads to independence. We encouraged Rachel to seek part time employment during high school in order to assist with college. While she was not financially independent from mom and dad, she developed a healthy appreciation for what it takes to live on one’s own. She set up savings and checking accounts and learned how to manage both. She helped with the family car expenses, such as gas, repairs, and insurance. She understood that as long as mom and dad were paying for college or gap year experiences, she needed to consult with us about her plans. Thankfully, we have been able to add our blessing to Rachel’s dreams, and therefore have not had difficulty providing financial backing on that score. If, in your case, you do find it difficult to mentally or spiritually support your child’s aspirations, and after prayer, counsel, and communication with your teen, discover he still feels inclined to follow his dream, then you will need to release that child to fund himself.

          Set boundaries before your teen leaves home. Establish some plan for phone calls, emails, or letters. If your child has left the home financially independent, then he is no longer a child. He has moved from Ephesians 6:1--"Children, obey your parents in the Lord" to Ephesians 6:2--"Honor your father and mother." If he has been taught from the cradle to respect your authority in a way that has been loving and also respectful to him, then most likely he will continue to honor you through his actions and words. To do so shows true maturity on his part. Don't overload your grown child with advice. During these transition years, it may seem as if he needs you one minute and casts you aside the next. Be patient as he moves toward full independence. Allow him to learn what you had to learn by experiencing life. And by all means, keep praying!

         That day in the kitchen was a breakthrough for me. Rachel’s serenity and assurance reminded me that her dad and I had prepared her for the next step. I could let go with confidence that her heavenly Father would protect, provide, and guide her as she stepped out into the world. As Rachel looked at me, with broken voice, I stammered, "I know you have to leave. That's right and good. Please bear with me as I deal with saying goodbye. Crying is just part of being a mom." Rachel quietly responded, "I know. And guess what? Saying goodbye doesn't mean forever. I'll be back."   

~~

Eileen Rife, author of Second Chance, speaks to women’s groups, encouraging them to discover who they are in Christ and what part they play in His amazing story! www.eileenrife.com, www.eileen-rife.blogspot.com. The above except was taken from her book, When Mourning Comes, Living Through Loss. http://www.amazon.com/dp/1553063732

      

What It's Like to Mother Missionaries

My husband, Chuck, and I never prayed that our children would become missionaries. We simply prayed that they would do whatever God wanted them to do, using their unique gifts, talents, and interests to serve Him. 

With that backdrop to parenting, we provided an atmosphere in our home that fostered a heart for others, whether next door or around the world. When a new neighbor moved in, we played welcome wagon, showing up on their doorstep with cookies and card in hand. We hosted missionary families during our annual mission conference. Our kids played and studied with the missionary kids and formed ties that last to this day. We prayed with others at pro-life rallies. Each of our girls worked as summer counselors in the Christian camping ministry in which I grew up. During the year, we often visited the sick and lonely, gifting them with our music and crafts. We witnessed to people we met, in their homes, on the street, and in our neighborhood.

            
So, in some ways, it came as no surprise when our oldest daughter, Rachel, announced at age fifteen that she sensed God calling her to India as a career missionary. Prior to that, she’d been interested in veterinarian medicine, even oceanography. Looking back over our homeschooling years, I realize now that she’d always been fascinated with the solar system, even more with geography. She loved taking a globe or map and pointing out as many different countries as she could. She’d read stories of Amy Carmichael, missionary to India. Her innate interest in the world’s countries, her love for the Lord, and her exposure to missions through our church and her youth group paved the way for God to speak to her heart.

             
Thus, in November 2004, after ten years of preparation, Rachel set off for India as a single missionary gal. Only two months later, God provided her life partner, and they were married in June 2005. Their love story inspired my first novel, Journey to Judah. Writing articles about releasing a child into fulltime missions and later writing a novel helped this mom process the experience. Many ask me, “How can you let your daughter go clear around the world?” I simply respond, by the grace of God, “Well, you know, she’s not mine to hold back. I gave her to the Lord at conception. And I continue to give her over to Him every day. She belongs to Him. God merely used me to train her to serve Him.”

             
That’s not to say my emotions never threaten to get in the way. They do. My grown children go (for long periods of time) and then they come home (for months at a time). The transitions are heart rending. But the more experience I get as a mother to missionaries, the more I realize that each season is simply that, a season that comes and goes with another season on its heels. When the kids come home, I focus on them. Our home becomes a missionary house. In fact, that’s exactly what it is right now as we house 15 people, seven of them kids! All of them are coming and going as they travel to churches to update them on their ministries. My job as missionary host is to listen, especially to the hearts of the grandchildren who are processing life in a different country, bake, cook, wash, play, and pray. In short, make good memories that will carry us through to the next furlough.

With each tear of separation comes the joy of knowing my daughter is doing exactly what I raised her to do: Serve God and others.

            
On the heels of Rachel’s commitment, my second daughter, Michelle, trained to serve the Lord, and met and married a youth minister. Today, they serve fulltime in inner city missions. In addition, my youngest daughter, Stephanie, and her family are preparing to go to Thailand as fulltime missionaries, working with at-risk children vulnerable to sex traffickers.

             
Every day, some days more than others, I have to intentionally release each one of my children, and now seven grandchildren, to fulfill the purpose God has for them. I have to remind myself that we’re not really home yet. There’s lots of work to do for the kingdom. We each play a role: Me in my writing, speaking, and mentoring young moms, and they in their mission work around the world. Someday, we’ll join forever in heaven, celebrating all He has accomplished through our ministries. For now, we work while we wait. And choose joy in the process.

~~

Looking for a summer read? Check out the Born for India trilogy (Journey to Judah, Restored Hearts, Chosen Ones) on my Amazon author page.

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B003O405FO 

Coffee with Mary (Bible Mommies series)

Mary: Willing to Let Go

Unarguably, our next guest is the best know Bible mommy I've interviewed yet. Even she noted that generations after her would call her blessed. And indeed, she was, but that blessing didn't come without serious sacrifice.

Mary, you're a woman of great character, yet of humble beginning and means. But your humility, no doubt, is one attribute that God cherished in you. He favored you, so exalted you among women by commissioning you to bear His Son. You were an earthen vessel bearing His foremost treasure. How did you cope with this divine stewardship?

She smiles. One day at a time. Certainly, I didn't understand all that God was doing. I knew from day one that the baby I carried was the Son of the Holy One, that He was sent to save His people, yet I didn't fully comprehend all the ramifications. I didn't understand what that gift would cost me. Not really. 

The "not knowing" can sometimes be as difficult as the knowing. What was that like for you?

Another blessed gift. If I had known my son, God's Son, would have to die in order to save us . . . well, I don't know if I could've lived with that agony. God was gracious in revealing His plan one step at a time. My job was to surrender to God's plan for myself and for my child, though I only knew a piece of the story. 

I've often thought this about my own children. How wonderful of God to bring them into the world as babies so that we can grow with them. We surrender a little bit more of them with every passing year. Not only were you a woman of surrender, Mary, but you were also a woman of praise. In Luke 1:46-55, you sing a song to the Lord. You thanked Him for being your Savior. It intrigues me that perhaps you were the first to acknowledge Him as such, at least after Old Testament times. 

Yes, I had studied the Old Testament scriptures. I knew about God's mighty deeds, His mercy, the rulers He had brought low, and those He had lifted. I knew He'd helped Israel all the way back to Father Abraham. And knew of His promise to send a Savior.

You must have known, too, that your son could do wonderful things. I'm thinking of the time you told the servants at the wedding in Cana when the wine ran out to do whatever Jesus told them. 

Yes, I knew He was special. She chuckles. When He was 12, I found Him in the temple teaching the religious leaders. He told me He had to be about His Father's business. I have to admit, I was a bit angry He hadn't mentioned He was staying behind when we set out to go back home. But after that, He continued to submit to our authority. Yet, I always pondered such strange happenings. God had a very special plan for my boy. And my heart always did a little tug when I remembered He wasn't really mine, only entrusted to me to raise for a short time. 

Is it still painful for you to think of that awful time when you had to make a full surrender?

I'd been warned, when Jesus was only eight days old. In the temple when Joseph and I consecrated Him to the Lord. An old man named Simeon said a sword would pierce my heart. I shuddered at the thought; I didn't want to think about what he might mean. After all, I was a new mother with such a precious infant son. I only wanted to think that nothing could ever shake the happiness I felt whenever I looked into His round face or watched Him suck at my breast. Those days were such happy days. Yet, all during His growing years, we both experienced ridicule, since it was thought he was an illegitimate child. Such teasing and abuse. But all that only made Him stronger. For me, well, at times I was tempted to grow bitter, but in the long run, I believe God used the ridicule to grow me too. And then, of course, the cross. How can a mother possibly process that horror? Still, all had become clear for me by then. I knew Jesus was fulfilling the purpose God had sent Him to fulfill. I had to let Him go. So, I remained quiet. In great anguish, yes, but quietly so. And after all was said and done, I remained faithful to God. 

What lessons would you say you learned?

My child was not my own, only a gift to give back to the Lord and train for His divine purpose. And to trust God with my child, no matter what. That the difficult times do pass, and God has better things coming. My son died, yes, but He rose from the grave, never to die again! This story does have a happy ending. Though I had to wait for heaven to be with Him, now as I look back, it did not seem like such a long wait, but only a few days. And now, I enjoy His presence forever! I would say to your readers, hold on, you who believe in the Lord. He will not let you down. No matter what happens today, eternity is coming when you will be with Christ!

Thank you, Mary, for your insights. For more of Mary's story, read Luke, chapters one and two; John 2:1-5, 19:25-27; Acts 1:14

 

Coffee with Hannah (Bible Mommies series)

Hannah: True to her Word

Welcome, Hannah! Another exceptional Bible mother. You prayed, you exalted the Lord, you spoke boldly. And God answered. I'm sure at times you wondered if the LORD was listening, yet you kept coming to the temple and pouring out your heart and your tears to Him. What did you say to God?

I made a vow. I said, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."

That's quite a prayer of commitment. 

I saw no other way. My husband, Elkanah, couldn't quite understand my grief. I'm not sure most husbands really understand what it's like to be infertile. He thought his love was enough. And perhaps, it should've been. But oh, how I wanted a son. My rival, Elkanah's other wife, bitterly teased me day after day about my condition. Year after year, I endured her ridicule.

I can only imagine how difficult that must have been. What happened after you prayed?

I kept on praying, really. There was no immediate answer. And one day, the temple priest, Eli, saw me silently praying (my lips were moving). He accused me of being drunk, which only added to my pain and grief. When I told him about my prayers, he blessed me and supported me in my request. 

So, did God answer your prayer the way you wanted?

Yes, He most certainly did. Not long after that day, I discovered I was pregnant. I gave birth to a son and named him Samuel because "I asked the LORD for him." As the day approached to take Samuel to the temple, I stuck to my word and gave him back to the LORD.

That must have been hard. How could you do it? Give up your young son?

A promise is a promise. I prayed to the LORD for the child, and He granted my request. I had to give his life over to the LORD and worship Him. 

Did you ever see Samuel again?

Oh yes. Every year I made him a little coat to take to him when Elkanah and I went to offer sacrifices at the temple. 

Such a story. What lessons do you think you learned from mothering?

Don't be afraid to release God's blessings (your children) back to Him. He knows best about their future since He has a plan for their lives. 

Thanks, Hannah, for joining us today! May we all be as true to our word as you were. And may we all trust God enough to place our precious children in His loving arms.

For more of Hannah's story, read 1 Samuel, chapters one and two.  

Coffee with Ruth (Bible Mommies series)

Ruth: Loyal Mother

Not much is said in the scriptures about our next Bible mommy. About motherhood, that is. However, much is said about her character, and much can be deduced about her role as a mom. Her story begins with, "In the days when the judges ruled . . ." A time when the Israelites did whatever was right in their own eyes, God profiles a young Moabite woman who chose to leave her homeland and follow her mother-in-law, Naomi, and God to Judah. Let's pull up a comfy chair and talk with Ruth now.

That must have been a very difficult time for you. You'd lost your husband and your brother-in-law and father-in-law. Wow, talk about loss hitting in threes! Which left you and Naomi since Orpah chose to go back to her family.

Yes, Naomi urged me to return to my family, but I didn't want to. I strongly believed I should stay and comfort her. Plus, I believed in her God, the one true God, and wanted to rebuild life with her and with Him. 

So, as the story goes, you packed up and traveled to Bethlehem with Naomi. How did that go?

Ruth sighs. Well, it was difficult at first. The other women welcomed Naomi back, but they weren't so sure about me, not being of their people, and all. 

I'm sorry that happened to you. People, God's people can be so harsh at times, pushing away the very ones they should draw in. But as I understand it, your character spoke for itself.

Ruth blushes. We were hungry, so I went to glean in the field of a man named, Boaz. Turns out he was a relative to Naomi, so she urged me to go to the threshing floor, wearing my best clothes and perfume, and lie down at his feet. She told me he would tell me what to do. While I didn't fully understand her request, I told her I'd do whatever she asked. 

Wow, that was bold. What happened?

In the middle of the night, something startled Boaz, and he turned and found me lying at his feet. He asked who I was. I told him and asked him to spread the corner of his garment over me, since he was a kinsman-redeemer. He was kind to me and recognized me as a woman of noble character.

Did God fan the flames of this budding romance?

Not at first. There was another man who was a closer relative and in line to marry me first, but he refused. So Boaz took me as his own. And we were very happy.

And then you gave birth to a son.

Yes, Obed. I can't quite describe how happy this little boy made Naomi. She'd called herself bitter up to that point, but now, well, she was overjoyed! She took him on her lap and cared for him, as any godly grandmother might do. In our sorrow, God brought us a sweet surprise. Ruth smiles. 

What lessons would you say you learned from this experience?

Oh, so many. But mostly, when we are faithful to the Lord, He provides for us, in ways we never dreamed possible. 

For more of Ruth's story, read the book of Ruth. :) Thanks for joining us today, Ruth! Stay tuned for our next Bible mommy, Hannah!  

Releasing Rachel

With Mother's Day upon us in a few days, I thought I'd post an article close to my heart that revolves around my oldest daughter's adventure as a single missionary gal and my journey to let go.

(This article first appeared in Discipleship Journal/Nov.-Dec.2004 issue, and later adapted for Psychology for Living/June 2006).

My daughter Rachel, a missionary to India, was addressing a conference luncheon. As she spoke, my mind drifted to earlier days and the ways God had prepared her for this moment. Rachel hadn’t been the only one with lessons to learn from God. I, too, was in God’s school of preparation. And one of the hardest courses was learning to relinquish my single daughter to God’s service on the other side of the world. Through the lives of biblical women who had released their children to fulfill His divine plan, God taught me to release Rachel into His arms.

HANNAH’S SURRENDER TO GOD’S WILL

My first mentor was Hannah. Barren Hannah promised to give her child to God if He would enable her to conceive (1 Samuel 1). God provided Samuel, and Hannah kept her promise. When Samuel was weaned, she took him to the temple to live with the priest Eli. Samuel grew to be a godly judge over Israel, fulfilling God’s mission for his life.

I remember dreaming of the day I would be a mother. My husband, Chuck, and I prayed for children, and God answered by sending Rachel. We committed Rachel to the Lord before her birth, praying she would know Jesus as her Savior and Lord—and that He would use her for His kingdom’s glory. How naive I had been. Yes, my highest aspiration was to see Rachel walk with God. But when she chose a missionary’s life in India, I became nervous. I had imagined her meeting a nice young Christian man and settling down in local ministry. Yet, Hannah reminded me there is no surrender apart from full surrender. God takes our prayers and commitments seriously. He means us no harm, only good all the days of our lives as we walk in His will (Psalm 84:11). The highest good is to be conformed to the image of His Son (Ro. 8:28-29). This, I realized, was not only Rachel’s calling, but my own.

SARAH’S TRUST IN GOD’S PROVISION

During my years of adjustment, Sarah’s life reminded me that God would supply all of Rachel’s needs—and mine. This encouragement grew out of one of the most dramatic stories in Scripture. God commanded Abraham to offer Isaac, his and Sarah’s long-awaited son, as a sacrifice on Mt. Moriah (Genesis 22). I imagined Sarah kissing Abraham and Isaac goodbye that fateful morning. Perhaps not fully knowing what God had instructed Abraham, she trusted her mate to care for the beloved son of their old age, the son God would bless and whose offspring would be as plentiful as the stars in the heavens (Gen. 15:5). No harm could ever befall him, for God had promised. And God did provide! At the moment Abraham lifted the knife to strike his son, “the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, ‘Abraham, Abraham!’ . . . ‘Do not lay a hand on the boy.’ . . . ‘Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son’” (Gen. 22:11-12). In the thicket was a ram God had placed there to be the sacrifice.

After Rachel completed candidate school, she went on field assignment with a native missionary couple serving in a remote Indian village. During that time I would awaken around four every morning thinking, What will she do for electricity? How will we contact one another? What about medical care? What if she is bitten by a snake and not enough antivenin is available? What about loneliness and depression? The “what ifs” continued until I relinquished my thoughts to God and allowed Him to bring peace. He reminded me: “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever—do not abandon the works of your hands” (Ps. 138:8). I slept soundly from then on.

MARY’S CONFIDENCE IN GOD’S LOVE

I also needed to learn that Rachel does not belong to me: She belongs to God, and He loves her more than I ever could. Tears would come when I least expected them, but I guarded my emotions around Rachel because I didn’t want to upset her. God tested my surrender to His will on several occasions. Rarely could I walk into a room of women without one of them asking, “How can you let Rachel go to India? The world is more dangerous now than ever! Aren’t you concerned for her safety? What if something happens to her?” 

I would clear my throat and calmly give this trained reply: “Rachel doesn’t belong to me. She belongs to God. If it were up to me, I probably wouldn’t let her

go. I ache because she will never stop being my little girl. But she is grown now, and I must let her go. Her purpose in life is not up to me. Her Father has called her, and He knows best. He can care for her far better than I can with my finite abilities.”

To further assure my heart, God gave me a dream one night. My little red-headed toddler was running across the lawn straight for the busy road. Cars were zooming this way and that. I ran after her, arms stretched out, reaching, grabbing desperately, but as is often the case in a dream, I could never quite get to her. At last, she plunged into the street. I knew for sure my precious baby would be killed. However, when the traffic cleared, I saw a lovely Indian woman clad in colorful sari on the other side of the road stooping and holding my little Rachel. She was safe. And my heart was comforted.  

Yes, God had loaned her to me for a time to love, train, and help prepare for His work, but she was never mine to control. Rachel belongs to God. Her purpose is to fulfill His mission for her. Jesus’ mother gave me a gentle reminder to let go. Mary testified in Luke 1 of God’s glorious purpose in sending Jesus to be conceived and reared by her.

 

With God’s help, Mary persisted in a lifetime of letting go, which ultimately led to the most painful release of all—the cross. Although Mary did not understand God’s ways, she was able to release Jesus into the safekeeping of His heavenly Father because she knew His love for Jesus was greater than her own. Through Jesus’ agony, God brought about good. Mary witnessed her Son’s resurrection, and later she joined Him in glory.

We find renewed meaning in life when we encourage our children to pursue what God has called them to do. Rachel’s commissioning service brought this truth home to me. As her father and I watched our daughter approach the platform and calmly testify before her sending church and mission family, our tears flowed freely. Rachel knelt and veteran missionaries, her pastor, and deacons surrounded her, laying hands on her and offering her up to her Father in prayer. After the service a woman hugged me and said, “It’s hard when your kids leave you!”

“It’s bittersweet,” I replied, wiping my eyes. “We trained Rachel to answer God’s call, no matter what that might mean, but nothing could have prepared us for the pain we would endure in actually letting her go. Certainly, knowing that she has a wonderful mission family to love her and watch out for her helps settle my mind and heart.”

“Yes, we will look out for her. And remember, in heaven, it will only be sweet.” 

True, I thought, no sad good-byes. No letting go. All will be sweet.  

That evening, I learned that God’s plan for Rachel was bigger than me, bigger than her. Resting in His loving plan is the best and safest place she could be. 

That commissioning service was eight years ago. As God would have it, there have been many Indian "mamas" over the last few years who have taken Rachel under their wings. In addition, the Lord provided my girl with a godly husband only two months after arriving in India. Nathan, a third generation missionary kid who had returned to the States, sensed God leading him back to India to serve. While there he met Rachel and they were married in June, 2005. Their love story inspired Book One, JOURNEY TO JUDAH, in my Born for India trilogy. Through this account, God has reaffirmed Psalm 84:11 in my heart: "The Lord God is a sun and a shield; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly."

Eileen Rife is the author of the Born for India trilogy. All three of her daughters are involved in mission work around the world. She and her husband, Chuck, conduct marriage seminars in the states and overseas.  www.eileenrife.com.

 One woman. One God. One passion. In an exotic culture of 7.5 million people and over 3 million gods, one woman resolves to make the journey. Could love await her, even in India?

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Judah-Eileen-Hinkle-Rife/dp/1602900914/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399392399&sr=8-1&keywords=journey+to+judah+by+eileen+rife