My
husband, Chuck, and I stood on our front stoop waving to our oldest daughter as
she pulled out of our driveway on her
way to Tennessee.
With a sly smile, Chuck uttered through clenched teeth, "She doesn't have a clue
where she is going." I thought to myself--neither
do we! Rachel was
concerned about finding her way to a summer camp. We were concerned about
finding our way through the transition years to the empty nest. Rachel did make
her ultimate destination. Sometimes I wondered if Chuck and I would.
As
Chuck held the storm door open for me, he joked, "Parenting reminds me of
that line in the Jurassic
Park movie, "First
comes the oohing and aahing, and then comes the yelling and the
screaming." One of the main characters, a scientist, who had previously
been to the dinosaur reserve was explaining the typical reaction of a new comer
to the park. Then when faced with an actual life-size dinosaur, reality set in.
As new parents, we had experienced our share of oohs and aahs. No longer new
kids on the block, we now embraced the glaring reality that parenting is
just plain hard work and at times, down right scary. Some days we just wanted
to scream--at our kids, at ourselves for handling a situation badly, or simply
to release the pain we felt at saying goodbye to our grown children.
As
I said goodbye to Rachel that day on her way to camp, I realized anew that
parenting is terminal. It does eventually come to an end, or at least it should
under healthy conditions. I spent the year before Rachel's high school
graduation coming to grip with that fact. Grieving her lost childhood and
uncertain about my new relationship with her, I snuck behind doors to conceal
my tears, scurried off to the bathroom in the middle of dinner to blow my nose,
and smothered her with hugs whenever she walked past me. One day while washing
dishes, I burst into tears. Rachel walked into the kitchen and I immediately
opened a cabinet door to hide my face. I didn't want to make her transition
from home any harder on her than it already was. I started to leave, but as I
turned to walk away, Rachel looked me straight in the eyes, took me in her
arms, and squeezed. That "squeeze" opened the door for a closer
relationship as I no longer tried to shut her out of my pain. We could now walk
through the transition together. As she was leaving the kitchen, Rachel turned
and with a twinkle in her eye, said, “Oh, and by the way, saying goodbye
doesn’t mean forever. I’ll be back!”
Several
reminders helped as I let Rachel go and grow into the woman God desired her to
be. I pray these suggestions also help you as you release your grown child.
Be aware that transition times are the hardest. Helping your young person move to
complete independence requires thinking through the practical affairs of
living. Sit down together with your teen and talk about goals. Write any
thoughts down on paper. Will your child get a job or go to college? If he
chooses college, will he work to pay his way or will you offer financial
assistance? Will he purchase a car? When? Each child and each situation is
different, so it is important to sit down together and map out a strategy in
keeping with the child's goals and available resources. Carol Kuykendall has
written an excellent book published by Tyndale House titled, Give Them Wings, on preparing your teen
to leave home. She shows parents how to help their teens set goals for
themselves, manage finances, maintain a car, do laundry, as well as other life
skills necessary for living on one’s own. A church friend loaned the book to me
during my daughter’s senior year of high school. I found the advice timely,
practical, and comforting. I highly recommend it to you for additional help in
this time of transition.
When your teen is "under his own
roof" financially, then he can make his own decisions. As long as you
are footing the bill for college or any other venture, your teen is accountable
to you and has not fully left. Finance leads to freedom which leads to
independence. We encouraged Rachel to seek part time employment during high
school in order to assist with college. While she was not financially
independent from mom and dad, she developed a healthy appreciation for what it
takes to live on one’s own. She set up savings and checking accounts and
learned how to manage both. She helped with the family car expenses, such as
gas, repairs, and insurance. She understood that as long as mom and dad were paying
for college or gap year experiences, she needed to consult with us about her
plans. Thankfully, we have been able to add our blessing to Rachel’s dreams,
and therefore have not had difficulty providing financial backing on that
score. If, in your case, you do find it difficult to mentally or spiritually
support your child’s aspirations, and after prayer, counsel, and communication
with your teen, discover he still feels inclined to follow his dream, then you
will need to release that child to fund himself.
Set boundaries before your teen leaves home. Establish
some plan for phone calls, emails, or letters. If your child has left the home
financially independent, then he is no longer a child. He has moved from
Ephesians 6:1--"Children, obey your parents in the Lord" to Ephesians
6:2--"Honor your father and mother." If he has been taught from the
cradle to respect your authority in a way that has been loving and also
respectful to him, then most likely he will continue to honor you through his
actions and words. To do so shows true maturity on his part. Don't overload
your grown child with advice. During these transition years, it may seem as if
he needs you one minute and casts you aside the next. Be patient as he moves
toward full independence. Allow him to learn what you had to learn by
experiencing life. And by all means, keep praying!
That
day in the kitchen was a breakthrough for me. Rachel’s serenity and assurance
reminded me that her dad and I had prepared her for the next step. I could let
go with confidence that her heavenly Father would protect, provide, and guide
her as she stepped out into the world. As Rachel looked at me, with broken
voice, I stammered, "I know you have to leave. That's right and good.
Please bear with me as I deal with saying goodbye. Crying is just part of being
a mom." Rachel quietly responded, "I know. And guess what? Saying
goodbye doesn't mean forever. I'll be back."
~~
Eileen Rife, author of
Second Chance, speaks to women’s groups,
encouraging them to discover who they are in Christ and what part they play in
His amazing story!
www.eileenrife.com,
www.eileen-rife.blogspot.com. The above except was taken from her book,
When Mourning Comes, Living Through Loss.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1553063732
